Last Longer In Bed: Ask Dr. Chaves

• Better Man in brief ...
• Kegel exercises are helpful in ejaculatory control.
• Communication is key when trying out sexy toys like handcuffs.
• Discuss grooming preferences (say, body hair) with your partner.

"Kegel exercises are helpful in strengthening your muscles and the foundation of ejaculatory control, but it’s not guaranteed. "

how to: last longer

Hi Dr. Chaves,

As you already know, it's very embarrassing for any man to admit that he has a problem in bed. When I've been with girls in the past, I have been embarrassed by the amount of time I last in bed. The issue isn't me having an orgasm before her, as the majority of the time she climaxed before me. It's the embarrassment of not lasting very long.

I don't want this to be the case with the new girl I’ve recently met. I was wondering if you had any useful tips for "training" myself to last longer. I've read that Kegel exercises can help after months of doing them, but I'm afraid that I don't have that much time. I considered buying a Fleshlight, but I thought that it would be just a little ridiculous to spend lots of money on something like that. Are there any ways I can increase my stamina in a quicker period of time than the Kegel exercises would take?

Bart, CA

The No. 1 sex question I get from men is about early ejaculation. For many men, it can be an embarrassing experience and a dark cloud that looms over the male psyche. You’re on the right track with your suggestions, but thinking this is a quick fix might put additional pressure on you. It takes time -- months for most. I wrote an article on AskMen with tips on overcoming premature ejaculation, which should be helpful in getting the process started.

Kegel exercises are helpful in strengthening your muscles and the foundation of ejaculatory control, but the exercises alone do not guarantee results. They are a part of a wide variety of techniques that can help give men the necessary ejaculatory control and confidence it takes to last longer.

The Fleshlight is a masturbatory device that can be great for learning to reach and sustain high levels of sensation near ejaculation. But it’s not going to magically make you last longer -- though it will probably make you smile more. It’s more of a tool to use with peaking exercises to stretch out your sexual response cycle, from arousal through to orgasm. Quick fixes aren’t the answer either; they're just ways to avoid looking at the question. Sure, you can use a penile desensitizing agent, wear a condom (hope you’re wearing one anyways) or ejaculate before sex, but do these options remedy the issue, or are they ways around effectively dealing with the issue head on?

Training your body and gaining confidence go hand in hand. Read the article and take the time necessary to make a positive impact on your mind and body. One day you’ll find yourself in a passionate, spur-of-the-moment situation, and your quick fixes may not be at your disposal. After that sexual interaction, you’ll be glad you took the time to train away early ejaculation.

all tied up

Dr. Chaves,

I’m so mad at myself. After months of begging, my girlfriend finally agreed to use some metal handcuffs I bought. The only problem is, these “fantasy handcuffs” made marks on her wrists, and she won’t try them again. I thought they’d be cool and OK since I got them at a sex shop, but she doesn’t want them anywhere near our bed. I’m really bummed; they got me really excited, and I really liked having her all tied up. How can I get her to use them again?

Damien, FL

You’re out of luck. I doubt she’s going to let you try using those handcuffs on her again. And why should she? They hurt and marked her. Sometimes novelty handcuffs are just that: novelties best suited for show than on your girlfriend’s wrists. They probably had some fuzzy leopard-looking fluff that covered the metal, but it’s still metal and not much different than what the cops use.

It’s time for some damage control, and you’ll need to find ways to repair what has been broken. First, apologize and let her know you didn’t mean for this to happen. Saying sorry often goes a long way. Ask her if she’s willing to consider trying a different method of bondage, one that is gentler on the wrists. If she agrees to consider it, maybe it’s time to decorate the walls of your dungeon and retire those metal handcuffs. Try using some soft scarves, and remember to tie the knot with space between the wrists (at least two fingers should fit between the scarf and her wrists).

There are plenty of good introduction books, like Jay Wiseman’s SM 101 or Race Bannon's Learning the Ropes, which teach bondage basics and proper knot-tying techniques that are easy to undo. Another option is to buy padded, leather wrist restraints. Nicer, but more expensive. You can find them at kinkier sex toy stores or online at various kink outlets, including my favorite vendor, The Stockroom. The attractive fetish model on the home page is wearing both wrist and ankle restraints.

backdoor loving

Chaves,

My new girlfriend has a thing she likes to do. She has touched me around my butt with her finger and it felt good, but a little weird. She now wants to give me a rim job. I’m a little scared that she keeps upping the ante (what’s next?), but I’m OK with doing this. The problem is that I have a hairy butt and I don’t know what to do? Shave, wax, nothing?

Anonymous

She seems open-minded, so here are some open-minded options. First, I’d ask her what she would like and get her opinion. Let’s be honest: My guess is that you don’t spend much time where the sun don’t shine. Unless you feel strongly, she may have more of an opinion about your butt crack grooming habits. While shaved or trimmed body hair turns on most people, others get aroused by a more natural look. A little fuzz could go a long way for her. By removing the hair, you might also remove some of her psychological turn-on. If she wants hair removal, it could also be erotic to ask if she wants to be included in the process. Many people enjoy either shaving their partner, watching or being a part of the process.

Shaving is less painful, but hair grows back quicker. Waxing is more painful, but the hair takes much longer to grow back. Remember that the anus should be clean (soap and scrub) and rimming can transmit infections. You can use a latex barrier (dental dam) to help protect yourself and your partner. In the end, you’re embracing her open-minded request and you both are showing some good communication.

achieving orgasm

Hi Dr. Chaves,

Since there are so many desensitizing products for men, is there something that increases the stimulus so that I can actually have an orgasm during sex, or is my problem larger than an over-the-counter product can fix? Do you believe I should consult a doctor?

Randy, IL

It could be any of those possibilities. Although a frustrating question for some early ejaculators, delayed ejaculation is an issue that is growing among men. Like most difficulties, there are quick fixes and long-term helpers. One suggestion is to try a warming lube. For many men, this stimulates the blood flow, increases sensation for heightened arousal and can lead to more pleasure and quicker orgasm. Test it out in small quantities on your arm or base of the penis, and see how your penis reacts.

It could also be an issue of mental arousal and negative self-fulfilling feedback loops (you think it will last too long, therefore it does). Sexually, are you engaging in behaviors that truly turn you on? Sometimes we keep our true desires inside because of fear or social judgment. For others, the concerns may be more deeply rooted. A therapist might ask if the problem has been a lifelong issue or if it occurred as a result of a negative event, such as a bad sexual experience or a trauma, or if it might be linked to a mental health issue like depression or anxiety. I would also want to look at your health history, current use of medications, and refer you to an MD for testing. In addition, many prescription drugs (who am I kidding -- illegal drugs too) have been linked to delayed ejaculation and inhibit orgasm. A lot to look into and rule out, but seeing a doctor and possibly a therapist can be helpful in working toward changing your mind-set about this issue.